Paper, Coffee, Pencil

Leggo my ego

Time to break the radio-silence!

About two months ago I went cold turkey from working on my
projects, a necessity due to a pretty strained family
situation. I've rarely done this, and when I have done it
previously, I've been back in the saddle in a matter of
days. Working on projects is central to my being and self-
perceived identity -- I work, therefore I am. And if I don't
work, then what am I?

Anyhow, once my head was cleared from the constant grind of
project-related thoughts, I realized that what I was doing
was a way of self-actualization. Not only, of course, since
my drive to work on things has always been a source of joy.
But I kept struggling with focus and motivation for things
that I thought I should enjoy, and why was that?

Then it dawned upon me that what I was doing was mainly
feeding my brittle ego, that the reason for me doing things
had little ground in reality, and that the goal was more
interesting than the journey. I felt disgusted, since I had
perceived myself as a person interested in getting my hands
dirty with problems. But it made sense. My ego had taken a
far too prominent seat in my life, to very little gain, and
it was time to end it.

So I did the only thing I could do and ignored it -- and
immediately experienced one of the most profound insights of
my life: the power of letting go. By letting go of my ego, I
could finally get a sober picture of who I am. Flattery and
criticism became absurd. The idea of whether or not I'm good
enough became irrelevant. It was as if I had just woken up.

I have since started tinkering with my projects again, but
now I'm incredibly relaxed and focused on the things that
truly matter. The joy is sincere and I have no trace of
anxiousness about getting stuff done. If it is meant to be
done, it will be. If it isn't, then I know I've had a good
time playing with it.